A Child’s Eye

Around the time I hit 40, I found myself experience a pre-midlife crisis. I had just sold my shares in the company I had co-founded and gotten a divorce from my then partner (in both worlds — private and business). It was high time I took a look inside myself to see why I was still unsatisfied. Despite having accomplished what I set out to do, achieving career, and financial goals, living in Europe a comfortable if not somewhat luxurious life… I was miserable.

I took a journey into my self to find out who I was. Traditional therapy held nothing for me. I couldn’t buy into a system where one sat in a therapist's chair for years complaining about their childhood without grasping the future. Therapy was all about reliving the past, analyzing what happened and endless regurgitation of why x,y.z occurred and who the players were blah-di-blah. I wanted to relive and feel — everything. The anguish, utter loneliness, worthlessness and sorrows in order to confront my present self to live in a future world that didn’t resemble the one I came from.

The guides were many and the first one I discovered was Louise Hay and her book Heal Yourself. I did a couple of audio courses to get going. One of the exercises asked the participant to write out their feelings about their parents. I wrote a poem, which you can read here. It’s called, A Child’s Eye. I loosely based the rhythm to the John Lennon song “Mother”.

I saw you mommy and didn’t see you
I thought you mommy but didn’t hear a word
To encourage me to love myself
You didn’t love yourself
How could I?

I saw you daddy and didn’t see you
I heard you daddy but didn’t think you cared
To listen to my pain and tears
You were afraid of yourself
So was I.

I saw you parents living in disguise
I understood not from truth or lies
To help me to help myself
You couldn’t help your selves
How could I?

You taught me daddy to be brave
I watched your laughter and performed onstage
To overcome my sensitivity and rage
You hid yours very well indeed
So did I.

You showed me mommy how to behave
Rules and regulations without a leg to stand on
Confusing words and deeds
Jumbled messages and creeds
I ran away.

I begged you mommy to hear me speak
You talked such rubbish I couldn’t breathe
So I shut down and began to write
To clear my conscious with a fright
To shed some truth.

I cried a life daddy missing you
Wishing you were who you weren’t
In a lie not comprehending
That love is the opposite of anger
Thank you for that.

I mothered you mommy,
As a little girl, teenager and woman
You needed love you never got as a child
You didn’t know how, you ran wild
How could I?

I thought I saw you once daddy but it was another man
But you were not a man grown up
You stopped growing at a tender age
You blamed your mother
I blamed you.

Dear parents I know you did your best
Whatever happened let’s put it to rest
The past is over
The present is now
I love you both and myself as well.